Bets, Media and Imaginary Chaos
by lilyevansxx
Summary: Dangerous criminal Draco Malfoy kidnaps War Heroine Hermione Granger. Well, according to the Daily Prophet, and everyone knows the Prophet is absolutely correct on everything...right?
1. Chapter 1

**Dangerous criminal Draco Malfoy kidnaps War Heroine Hermione Granger**

The son of convicted Death eater Lucius Malfoy, Draco Malfoy is wanted by the Ministry of Magic for the kidnap and possible abuse of well-known war hero Hermione Granger. The brains of the ' _Golden Trio'_ was last seen as she was forced into side-along disapparition with the former death eater along Diagon Alley late Sunday evening. "Hermione would never go with that 'ferret'" claims Ronald Weasley, co-member of Dumbledore's Army and third of the _Golden Trio._ However, the last member of the Golden Trio, Harry Potter, refused to comment on the matter. Dolores Umbridge, senior member of the Wizengamot stated that "Draco Malfoy is a dangerous criminal, and so is Granger. It's not kidnap. It's a plot to take down the ministry!" Umbridge is also known to have said previously "Kingsley Shacklebolt is plotting to kill the minister for magic!", whilst the Minister in question was in office.

Malfoy is known to have violent tendencies, especially towards Muggleborns. If seen do not approach, floo the ministry of magic immediately.

Hermione read this paragraph twice, and snorted, multiple times into her morning coffee. " _It's a plot to take down the ministry!"_ She imitated in a high pitched voice. The pale man opposite her chuckled. "Honestly, Draco, you'd think people might've guessed by now. Considering how many times we've been seen together." Hermione shook her head, the amusement in her eyes plain as day.

"How long until the Weasel stops mucking with the wizarding world?" Draco asked, sipping on his Chai Tea.

"When he thinks the bet has been satisfied I suppose." Hermione shook her head, "Honestly if you two don't stop soon you'll both be sorry. Surely you are bothered by the lack of trust you get within the wizarding community?"

"It doesn't bother me as much as you might think, seeing as I work in the muggle world now." Draco responded, shrugging his shoulders. "Besides, my family don't care, they're either in Azkaban or dead."

Hermione sighed and took another sip of her coffee. "You know you can't lie to me, Malfoy. I know that not being trusted within the wizarding community upsets you."

Draco looked up. "Ok. I admit it. It annoys me. I might even go as far as to say it bothers me. But it doesn't upset me Hermione. I'm not a touchy emotional Hufflepuff."

Hermione rolled her eyes, "You snakes and your pride. No wonder Harry still doesn't like you. Honestly I'm still surprised Ron warmed up to you so quickly."

"It's because I gave him free tickets to the Quidditch world cup." Draco smirked.

"Of course it is." Hermione sighed, but gave him a warm smile before getting up to warm her croissant.

Draco watched her from his seat at the small table. Secretly, he knew Hermione was right, and it did bother him. But he wasn't going to let her know that the only reason he didn't act upon his angers was because he really didn't mind if he was being publicly humiliated. Well, that is, as long as his beautiful wife remained by his side nothing else in the world mattered to him.

 _Everything belongs to J. K. Rowling_

 _Thanks for reading!_

 _Amy (Lilyevansxx)_


	2. Chapter 2

**Harry Potter admits shocking truth about Death Eater Draco Malfoy**

Son of Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy, convicted Death Eaters and previous members of You-Know-Who's inner circle, has now been revealed to have forced Hermione Granger, Gryffindor Heroine, into marriage. The Daily Prophet can exclusively reveal that the Chosen One himself has confirmed this appalling news, admitting he was 'concerned for her (Ms Granger's) safety'.

The Golden Trio, as many known, comprised of Harry Potter, Hermione Granger and Ronald Weasley, seems to be torn by this upsetting news. Mr Weasley claims, "She loves him!", but inside sources suggests that Mr Weasley may have been confunded by the Death Eater Malfoy, as he previously has known to have publicly claimed Malfoy was a 'raving lunatic' and 'idiot ferret'.

Dolores Umbridge was not able for questioning on the validity of this matter, as secretary to the Head of Magical Births Deaths and Marriages, due to her unfortunate incident involving a centaur and a house elf, mentioned in last Tuesday's issue.

It is not known if the Auror's have been informed of this criminal act.

Hermione sighed exasperatedly and threw the newspaper on the table. Her husband went to take it but she shook her head. "Don't even bother. The Prophet is unbelievable." She said.

"Too late, I read it earlier." Draco smirked. "I just want to read the comics, but I do have to admit they're not going as funny as our article."

"You seem to be taking this all rather well considering they called you a Death Eater no less than twice!" Hermione said furiously.

"Twice is practically polite compared to previous articles, love" Malfoy said cheerily. "Besides, I'm just excited for the moment when you storm into the head office and demand a printed apology and compensation, otherwise all hell will break loose."

Hermione smirked, "I am rather looking forward to it. Want to take the camera?"

But before Draco could delightedly agree, a loud 'POP' and a flood of smoke filled the living room. A blurry tumble of soot and robes rolled out of the fireplace.

"Harry, what have I told you about Floo travel? You have to walk through, not _dive._ " Hermione sighed, picking up her wand to clean up the mess.

"Sorry 'Mione, I just hate travelling by floo." Harry said as he stood up and dusted off his robes.

"Oi Potter, watch it, you're getting soot all over my robes you dolt." Draco said.

"Sorry _Draco._ I didn't mean to spoil your perfect outfit. Did you pick that yourself or did you have to ask your assistant?" Harry retorted.

"Cut it out, Harry, Draco." Hermione rolled her eyes, "Harry, what is it?"

"I need to tell you the truth! I didn't tell the Prophet all that rubbish!" Harry said, "No matter how much I hate your choices." He said with a glare in Draco's direction.

Hermione scoffed, "We know you didn't." But at the same time Draco asked, "Then what did you say?"

Harry looked a little sheepish. "Well, I may have accidentally let slip that you were actually married. But I said 'It's not liked he forced her or anything! I'm _not_ worried about her safety.' Not whatever made up story they reported!"

Hermione rolled her eyes, and Draco actually laughed. "You're an idiot you know Potter?"

Harry glared at him. "Thanks, Malfoy."

"Oh, would you two please just cut it out." Hermione rolled her eyes for the forty-fifth time that day.

"Only if he buys me tickets to the Quidditch World Cup like he did for Ron." Harry mumbled stubbornly.

"You've got to be kidding, Potter, you're bloody richer than I am!" Draco said astonished.

"Yeah but that's beside the point." Harry grinned, "I'll be anyone's friend if they buy me tickets to Quidditch."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Boys and their quidditch!"

Draco grinned, "You're on, Potter. But first my wife and I have a little trip planned to visit the head of the Daily Prophet. Want to come?"

Harry grinned. "Just let me get Ron and Ginny, they won't want to miss this."

 _Everything belongs to J. K. Rowling_

 _Thanks for reading!_

 _Amy (Lilyevansxx)_

(Update – sorry about original upload, not sure what happened but hope this fixes it!)


	3. Chapter 3

**Hermione Granger: Brains of the Golden Trio or Seductress of All Men?**

Hermione Granger, known as the brains of the Golden Trio, previously (and mistakenly as the Prophet apologised) was thought to have been forced into marriage by a Mr Draco Malfoy, has revealed that she is expecting to give birth.

The Prophet can reveal, from anonymous sources, that Miss Granger does not who the father of the child is. Mrs Ginny Potter, wife of Harry Potter himself, and best friend to Miss Granger, was quoted saying 'Well, who do you think it [expletive] is?" This leads the Prophet to conclude that it may be any one of the men Miss Granger has been previously sighted with.

Assistant to the Secretary of the Head of Magical Births, Deaths and Marriages, Madame Dolores Umbridge, has exclusively revealed that Miss Granger "is a seductress of all men" and that "It is a wonder she has never been with child before". Our very own reporter Rita Skeeter furthers this claim, saying "It could be any number of men, Victor Krum, Ronald Weasley, Draco Malfoy, Blaise Zabini. The list goes on; however, I personally believe, and this may be a shock, but she might have had an affair with our very own Chosen One, Harry Potter." Ms Skeeter assures the Prophet that Mr Potter's marriage with Ginevra Weasley is failing, and it is very plausible ('if not certain' says Ms Skeeter) that Mr Potter and Miss Granger had an affair.  
Devastating as this may be, the Prophet can only reassure our readers of the positive impact that a revival of the Potter line may have on the Wizarding community.

Hermione Granger was not available to comment.

* * *

As soon as the paper hit the breakfast table Draco's face turned an impossibly dark shade of maroon. Hermione looked over to see what her husband was glaring at, only to find that he had cast 'Incendio' before she could see the headline.

"Draco." Hermione warned. "Tell me what it was."

Draco's face once again made an impossible change from maroon to the palest white within seconds.

"N- Nothing dear. Really." He insisted, but the look on his pregnant wife's face said it all.

"Are we going to need to plan another trip to the Daily Prophet?" Hermione asked, narrowing her eyes at the ashes now curling on the table.

"No, no." Draco reassured. "Everything will be fine!" Knowing plain well that his wife wouldn't believe him (and rightfully so given what he was planning), he quickly changed the topic.

"How is Hagrid these days, love?" He said, uncharacteristically cheerfully.

Hermione now turned her narrowed eyes to face him. "You have never liked Hagrid. What changed?"

"Well, I owe the great oaf a favour is all, gotta give him credit for helping me win over the love of my life." Draco said.

Hermione smirked, "You owe Hagrid a hell of a lot, Malfoy. How about we give him a visit this weekend?"

Draco inwardly groaned, his wife knew exactly what he hated the most. But he had to pretend everything was going to be just fine. "Sounds excellent! Well, I'm off to go send Saint Potter an owl, enjoy breakfast!"

Hermione eyed him suspiciously as he exited the room, but made no complaints, to his great relief.

* * *

 **Brilliant Break In at the Prophet**

The Quibbler can report that the building of the Daily Prophet has been broken into by a band of brave bandits. The offensive office of a Ms Rita Skeeter was ruthlessly ravaged by these incognito intruders.

We have reason to believe that this was the work of the notorious Nargles. And is definitely not related at all to the report on Mrs Hermione Malfoy's pregnancy, whose husband and best friend was definitely accounted for in that period of time. It is also advised that Mrs Malfoy take essence of Blibbering Humdinger and Wrackspurt powder with her morning tea to avoid any more dishonesty from the pesky Prophet.

-Luna Lovegood

* * *

 _Everything belongs to J. K. Rowling_

 _Thanks for reading!_

 _Amy (Lilyevansxx)_


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